


No One Was Saved

by patientalien, queenhandmaidensenator



Series: The Eleanor Rigby Series [1]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Dark, Depression, Gen, Substance Abuse, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-16
Updated: 2013-07-16
Packaged: 2017-12-20 09:19:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/885593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patientalien/pseuds/patientalien, https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenhandmaidensenator/pseuds/queenhandmaidensenator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the height of the Clone Wars, Padme Amidala has trouble coping.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No One Was Saved

**Author's Note:**

> Again, based on the lovely tumblr RP. I put patientalien as a co-author because she wrote two amazing sequels/companions to this and I wanted us to be able to put them in a series.

> She feels a fluttering of nerves as she approaches the squat Senate building. She’s never felt nervous going to work before, this strange twisting anxiety in her stomach. It’s been getting worse, lately, leaving her breathless in the women’s ‘fresher, heaving as she tries to calm her breathing and hold back desperate sobs.

 

> She’s stronger than this. She knows she is - she’s been a politician for more than half her life now. Even during the blockade of Naboo and even during the assassination attempts at the beginning of the war, she never panicked. Never even came close. Now it seems like everything she does sends shocks of fear up and down her spine, her fight or flight reflex heightened. 
> 
> She’s been choosing flight, and she doesn’t know why. She’s always been a fighter and she has no idea what’s gone wrong inside her head that’s making her leave in the middle of the day, to escape. It feels like escape, like she’s running from the Separatists, and it’s exhilarating and liberating to go to lunch and decide just not to come back.
> 
> There are Senators who are absent far more than she is from sessions, but she is head of so many committees, she leads so many delegations, that her absence is noticed. Bail does his best to cover for her, but even he is beginning to ask questions. Not meanly, not trying to drum up gossip, but he’s truly concerned for her.
> 
> She wishes he wasn’t, because it means there’s something to be worried about. She returns to her apartments in the middle of the afternoon. She strips out of her constricting gown and slides into one of Anakin’s discarded tunics, belting it loosely around her waist. She pours herself a glass of wine. 
> 
> She’s pretty sure everyone thinks she’s missing her meetings and the sessions because of this, the wine glass in her hand. No, it’s a symptom, she knows, not the disease. She’s cognizant enough of that. She knows what she’s doing, she knows she is trying to make the bad feelings go away and while usually she’s able to throw herself into her work to make that happen, it is the work itself that is making her feel… She can’t even put words to it.
> 
> She wishes Anakin were there. He’s always able to make her forget everything that’s going on. He makes her feel better with one look, with his hands on her body. She can forget her own problems when they’re together, because Anakin’s are so much bigger. He needs her, and she can give herself to him completely to give him what he needs, to get him through to the next time they see each other. She worries about him - and it is with some rueful reflection that she realizes Bail probably is starting to worry about her in the same way.
> 
> It makes her angry. There are people in the galaxy with much bigger problems than hers. She doesn’t want to go to work, doesn’t want to be told her opinion doesn’t matter. Doesn’t want to have to get dressed up like a doll. Doesn’t want to fight against the current and never feel like she’s making progress. She used to be able to do all of that, so easily. 
> 
> Now she just wants to sleep. Even though it’s barely mid-day, she wants to sleep. She’s not tired, though, not in a way that will give her any kind of rest. She refills her wine and goes into her ‘fresher, reviewing her options. There - sleeping tablets. Anakin’s - she worries that he’s left them there and hopes he is getting rest wherever he may be. 
> 
> She slides one into her mouth and washes it down. She looks at herself in the mirror over the sink as she finishes the rest of her wine. No change. She looks the same. She’s not sure why she was expecting it to be any different. She’s not tired, still.
> 
> She goes back out into the living room, bringing the tablets with her. Just in case. Because she might need them. She tries to look through her datapad, but every time she sees a “You’re not here, are you okay?" message from Bail, her stomach twists. Splashes more wine into her glass, swallows it down along with another tablet. And maybe one more of each, to make sure it takes, and things are getting a little hazier now and it feels pretty nice so maybe another one too and why even bother with the glass because it’s too much effort to hold it all steady and she doesn’t want to spill on her pretty carpet, emblazoned with the royal crest of Naboo. 
> 
> And pretty soon both are empty and she’s feeling pretty woozy and suddenly through it she realizes that she’s made a pretty big mistake and her stomach lurches and she’s trying to get to the ‘fresher and she falls just as she gets there and it all comes out and she huddles in on herself and sleeps.
> 
> And sleeps.
> 
> And sleeps.
> 
> And wakes up again and the room is bright white and she is tired and everything hurts and the first thing she sees when she opens her eyes is Bail’s face looking down at her. 
> 
> And because she’s a Senator and because she is rich, she gets to leave that day. Because it was a mistake. Because if they asked her directly if she wanted to die, she’d say no. She just wants to feel like she used to. But she puts a smile on her face and goes back to work and fights her fights because that is who she is and what she does and she pretends everything is just as it always has been, and that recent events have not occurred. She doesn’t tell Anakin, and swears Bail to secrecy, because it never happened. None of it ever happened.


End file.
